The Bitter Blandness of Boring Betty

When “Ugly Betty” first premiered several years ago, I'm sure I wasn't the only one confused about the title. Were they actually calling the lead of a prime time TV show "ugly," and in public no less? Even stranger, they seemed to be promoting ugly as a good thing. And true to their word, when poor Betty finally burst upon the scene, she appeared to be a sort of stereotypical assembly of every flaw and physical character imperfection they could find…minus any noticeable zits or warts (which surely might offend the sensitive ABC audience). She did have glasses though. And braces.  And bad hair. Not to mention an incredibly eclectic sense of style which presumably would land her in the "no-dating" zone for most of her hum drum life.

But then, like a glimmer of hope, Betty landed a plum job at a high powered fashion magazine, and it would only be a matter of time before we saw the Ugly Duckling turn into a beautiful swan. After all, that’s what we’ve come to expect from countless Disney movies and romantic comedies…the ugly girl always becomes more pretty than the pretty girl by the end of the film. Well, it’s been three years now, and Betty still looks like the poster child for Blackwell’s Worst Dressed List. True, her outerwear has moved away from looking like an ethnic parade float to a colorful canvas of expensive knits and fabric. But with all her acquired knowledge and face time with so many high fashion divas, you’d think she’d do a much better job of coordinating her daily appearances. As it stands, she still looks likes she’s dressing for a tea party at Salvador Dali’s.

And why, after three years, does she still have braces? She must have the worst dentist in the world, because underneath those metal facades, her teeth look perfectly fine. And what about those thick eyebrows and horrible glasses? Hasn’t her years of employment at Mode taught her anything about personal grooming?

All that aside, my main contention with “Ugly Betty” these days is how boring and bland it’s become. It used to be great to tune in just to hear what clever puns or phrasing Vanessa William’s character would throw around. But now those lines have become predictable, and the plotlines of the show have become tired. I’m so sick of Betty always getting into stupid situations and then being bailed out at the last minute. It’s a formula the show has used from the beginning, but now we’re so used to it, I almost want Betty to fail miserably just so we’ll see something different. She’s the eternal “good girl” whose need to always do the right thing inevitably ends in disaster, with everyone blaming poor Betty for even trying. Been there, done that, let’s move on. And don’t even get me started on her brassy shrew of a sister. Someone needs to put a muzzle on that mouth and teach her a few things about social etiquette.

I hope if Ugly Betty comes back next year, they finally shed the Ugly Betty image and make this girl a real person. Or at least a superficial version of a real person, which is much more than she is right now. Because at the moment, both Ugly Betty and her show are about as interesting and surprising as wet cardboard. And that’s being generous.

But that’s just me. What are your thoughts on Ugly Betty?

Bird Bits--Future Star

Please click on the photo above to watch a one-minute video from the "Bird Bits" series entitled "Future Star." In this episode, two male birds discuss the star potential of a singing Bluebird.

What can I say? I have a lot of time on my hands.

Celebrity Mystery in Madrid

Please click on the photo above to watch another episode in the "Celebrity Mystery" series. In this installment, Fritz Freewhenever travels to Madrid, Spain to investigate another series of bizarre celebrity sightings, including Antonio Banderas and Penelope Cruz.

Celebrity Mystery in Plainfield NJ

Hit the play button above to watch a humorous story about celebrity sightings in my hometown. Just another example of the strange things happening around here.

The Danger of Watching Donny and Marie; The Joy of Resurrecting Sonny and Cher

Christmas is a great time to reunite with friends and family, and to share happy memories of times past. (Or is that New Year’s?) Either way, I had a very interesting Christmas this year when it came to the presents I received. Apparently I must reek of nostalgia for TV variety shows of the 1970s, because a lot of my gifts seemed to share that common theme. (I kid you not.) I was given “The Best of Donny and Marie,” “The Sonny and Cher Show,” “The Best of Laugh-In,” “Love, American Style Season One” and the weirdest selection of the bunch, “Paul Lynde’s Halloween Special.”

Some people might consider this a collection of bargain bin items. But I was actually looking forward to sitting down and reconnecting with some of the shows I thought were so great when I was younger. (With the possible exception of Paul Lynde's special, which I'd never heard of before.)

First in the line-up was “The Best of Donny and Marie,” which comprised several of their greatest episodes from the first two seasons of the show. But after watching the first three, I was surprised the show ever made it to Season Two. (Let alone Episode Two.) The sad part is that the DVD is being released as “the best” of the series; which makes me wonder just how bad “the worst” of the series is. (Perhaps those would be more interesting to watch.)

The jokes were horrible, the sketches were childish, and the singing was mostly lip-synched. How did I ever think this show was good? Or maybe I never really did; I just thought I was supposed to. After all, Donny and Marie are a part of American culture. We grew up with them; or at least I did. And though I don’t think the show translates well in today’s more sophisticated TV environment, I’m sure the simplicity of themes and dialogue might do well on a channel like Nickelodeon, or perhaps in conjunction with a show like “The Teletubbies.”

I’ll admit I’ve always had a place in my heart for Donny and Marie. Not because I was such a big fan, but because they represented the kind of nerdy optimism I wanted so badly to believe in. Their perfect smiles and happy-go-lucky attitudes were as foreign to me as the countries we’ve bombed and invaded over the past several years. Perky was not accepted in rural Ohio like it is in Hollywood; especially from a boy. But on television every week, Donny and Marie reminded me that anything was possible; even if it meant using a laugh track and ice skates to accomplish it.

So maybe my happy memories of “The Donny and Marie Show” were more about what Donnie and Marie represented rather than the actual show itself. They taught me to look for the silver lining and never wear spandex in public, and for that I will always be grateful. Their shows, however, could use a major facelift.

And that's when I wondered whether I was getting into some dangerous territory. If I didn't like the Donny and Marie show as much as I thought I did, what did that mean for the rest of my 70s memories?

Next on the viewing agenda was “The Paul Lynde Halloween Special,” which is just as creepy as you might imagine. Mr. Lynde, a regular on Hollywood Squares and Bewitched, is just not interesting enough to carry his own show. He’s much better served as a supporting player, using his signature vocal inflections to deliver a ribald punch line or two. But in this TV special, which only recently became available on DVD, he is horribly upstaged by the long list of celebrity guest stars, Donny and Marie among them.

Margaret Hamilton, the Wicked Witch in “The Wizard of Oz” reprises her famous role for the special, and is humorously aided by Witchipoo from the old “HR PufnStuf” series. Together, they drive the show forward, as Paul Lynde sort of stands around looking miserable. The highlight of the show is a horrible disco version of Harold Arlen’s “That Old Black Magic,” uncomfortably sung by Florence Henderson, who dances around the set in a floor length sequin black dress accompanied by dancers in orange Afros. Screechingly bad!

Two down. Three to go.

Finally, I decided to watch a little of the “Sonny and Cher Show,” just to make sure my memories of 70s television weren’t being irrevocably tainted by our current atmosphere of terror and cynicism. And to my relief, the show is as funny and campy today as it was when it first aired oh so many decades ago. Cher is much younger, of course, and her nose looks different. But the chemistry between these two is unquestionable.

Every time Sonny thinks he’s going to win an argument, Cher easily deflects his zingers with her deadpan attitude and delivery. It’s classic comedy, brilliantly marketed to the masses by two people who always seemed like the epitome of cool. Even when they were arguing, they were fun.

And then of course, there are Cher’s many costumes and solo performances, which have been copied and duplicated by drag queens all over the world. No wonder she’s been able to survive so long. People keep resurrecting her persona. (Although at this point, I’m not sure how many more resurrections her body can physically take.) Nevertheless, I loved this show when I was younger, and I still love it today.

Having restored my faith in the legitimacy of my happy memories, I will next move onto “Laugh In” and “Love, American Style.” But right now, I just want to bask in the glow of at least one childhood recollection restored, and one more Christmas celebrated.

I can’t even think about 2008 yet.